Today my heart hurts a little more than
normal. Today I found out that I am going to be an Aunt... for the
8th time.. Well, I found this out awhile ago, but today I
found out that I will be getting a nephew. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE
being an Aunt. I take that job very seriously. My heart is filled
with joy and at the same time it is filled with sadness. I can
literally feel my heart drop into my stomach. You probably don't
understand what the problem is.. Well, let me tell you.
The problem is that I am “infertile”
My husband and I have been trying to
have a baby for over 6 years. We've done fertility treatments,
special diets, lots of testing, the lay on your back with your butt
and legs in the air for 30 minutes.. Everything..
I have something called PCOS (Poly
Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) It has caused me a lot of trouble over the
years but the worst side effect is my infertility. When I found out
my sister in-law was pregnant with her first baby in February I
cried, man oh man did I cry. I didn't cry because I am mad that other
people have babies, or that I am more deserving, or anything like
that. I cry because my heart is heavy. And I'm tired. I cry because I
cannot give my husband what he should have... A complete family. It
is hard to watch the people that met and married years after we did
have children and continue to move forward with their lives.
I feel stuck, almost frozen in time.
For more than 6 years my husband and I have not progressed our
family. We have pugs. Pugs are wonderful, but they are not human
babies. They honestly help relieve some of the pressure and I love
them for that.
We have talked about foster care (I
don't know if I could do it.. I'm someone that could never open my
heart like that to a child and then have them returned to their
“birth parents” I love the idea of helping a child in need but I
am just not strong enough right now to do it through foster care.) We
have talked about surrogacy (That is also not for us. I hate the
thought of someone else growing a child that has my husband and my
genes, making that connection with my baby that I should have!) We
have considered IVF (This is not something we want to do because it
is crazy expensive and there is no guarantee that I would even get
pregnant) Then there is adoption.. we like that idea.
I think that most of us imagined
growing up that we would be having our own babies. We would see the
family resemblances and the goofy quirks that have been passed down
from generation to generation. Some may feel that I am selfish for
wanting that for my husband and myself. I often feel like I am
selfish for wanting that too but I just can't help it. It is so hard
for me to accept that that is not an option for us. I could love any
baby as much as I would one that came from inside of me but its about
the experience. Using my body the way that God intended it to be
used. When you are pregnant, God is literally creating a masterpiece
inside of you. There is nothing more beautiful or could possibly be
more of an honor than for God to use you to create life.
I need to learn to accept that God has
different plans for different people. I have to let go of my earthly
desires and look to God for what my future may hold. I need to walk
in faith and not rely on my own understanding. God is not punishing
us like I often feel He is. The plan that He has for my life is just
different and thats okay.
So today I am going to take a deep
breath and hold my head up high. I will trust in my Father and push
through the heartache. Everything will be just fine. I will be just
fine.
